Jupiter Ascending (Part 2): The Review

(SPOILER REVIEW. Then again, i would be saving you, your life and your time by spoiling the movie. Read on…)

I love Jurassic Park- i mean, who doesn’t? And i adore Richard Attenborough. One of my favorite lines in movie history is spoken by him in the movie and i think you know which line i’m talking about.

“Doctor Grant, Doctor Sattler…WELCOME!….to JURASSIC PARK”-  Richard Attenborough as John Hammond.

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It was a great way to start the movie and enter this fantastic, unimaginable world of Dinosaurs and a successful, realistic sounding approach to a mixture of science and fiction. Likewise, i feel that every screening, i repeat, EVERY SCREENING of ‘Jupiter Ascending” should have a welcoming sort of message through the speakers just like in Jurassic Park. Something like this perhaps-

“Welcome to JUPITER ASCENDING- the WORST Wachowski movie ever since the third Matrix movie.”

or perhaps something like this even…

“Welcome to JUPITER ASCENDING where every actor in the movie gives the worst performance in his/her life. Including Eddie Redmayne. ESPECIALLY Eddie Redmayne! Are you ready to watch the worst movie of 2015?! Strap on to your seat-belts because trust me- you WILL want to get out of the theater halfway through the screening.”

Someone very close and dear to me once said i write very harsh, sarcastic movie reviews…reviews in general actually. I was a bit shocked and surprised to hear it. Ever since then I’ve tried to not be harsh as she claims i am: i really have. I have tried to be nice and understanding to every movie I’ve seen so far but for ‘Jupiter Ascending’, i just can’t do it. I’m so sorry but this movie was too bad. You weren’t there! You won’t understand!!

I think my sentiments is best described by a sentence i overheard while running towards the exit (And yes, i was actually running). There was a woman sitting close to the exit and while passing by her, i accidentally over heard her lean to her friend and say, “I will never forgive you for making me watch this movie.” Oh yeah, lady? Well, the only reason i went to see this movie was because i got a chance to watch it for free. And guess what? Even i can’t forgive myself for dragging my sorry ass to the theater.

‘Jupiter Ascending’ is so bad, a movie pirate who is secretly filming the movie to make a quick buck would stop filming it and face palm himself repeatedly for the time he had wasted so far.

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Yes the movie is bad, horrible even to the point where you want to emulate Raj Kapoor and go “Bas! Enough! I’ve had it with this shit!” (Raj Kapoor, a notable Indian actor once screamed that on top of his lungs during a particular screening and left the theater halfway through the screening) But it’s not entirely bad. The visuals in the movie are spell bounding and  in some scenes, even breath taking. The Wachowski’s have created such beautiful worlds in the movie and certain scenes are a remainder as to why CGI is needed when you are trying to tell a story to an audience which is on a wide scale. The world building in the movie is just superb and the visuals and even the originality in them have to be lauded. It really is an achievement and there is no sarcasm here. But sadly, the same can’t be said for the script and the acting. Tell you what? Here’s a good tip from me on how to enjoy “Jupiter Ascending”- buy a good pair of noise cancelling headphones (don’t compromise on quality- for this movie, you need it), go to your nearby local theater which is screening the movie, play some of your favorite music (optional) and just enjoy the visuals the Wachowski’s have created for you. But be warned, you might still get bored of the movie and leave half way. Actually…just forget it- don’t watch the movie. It’s not worth your time.

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At some point through the story (and there isn’t one- believe me), even the visuals get boring and they alone are just not enough to save the movie. Not when you have boring scenes such as the one with “Intergalactic Advocate Bob”, a character who actually exists in the movie, a lengthy DMV like scene where we see how Jupiter Jones becomes a queen legally (Why does this scene even exist, Wachowskis?), boring political scenes you couldn’t give a rat’s ass about, any scene which has the line “I am not your mother” and any scene which has Mila Kunis and/or Eddie Redmayne in it.

Mila Kunis’s Jupiter Jones is so freaking one dimensional and boring: never have i ever hated a character with such great ferocity as i did to Jupiter Jones. The last time i hated a character with such close intensity, it was Ford Brody who was played by Aaron Taylor Johnson in the 2014 movie “Godzilla”. Having a hard time time remembering the character? I don’t blame you: he is pretty forgettable along with being annoying but let me just refresh your memory nevertheless- he is the idiot who aimed his gun at MUTO.
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“I will eat you!”

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“I don’t know what i’m doing but screw it!”

Remember him now? Well, Jupiter Jones is much worse. Way worse than him. She is the “Queen” of Earth after all. If you don’t believe me, sample these lines-

1) Random lady- “Your majesty…”

Jupiter Jones – “Please call me Jupe 😀 ”

Random Lady- “Errr….”

2) Channing Tatum- “I wouldn’t want to upset your royal bowels.”

3) Channing- “I have more in common with a dog  than you…”

     Jupiter Jones- “I LOVE DOGS!”

4) After hearing that Tatum is half human, half wolf and is also an alien warrior- “Falling for Mr.Wrong…maybe it’s in my genes….is there a way to fix it?” *Leans to kiss the dog warrior…

Ugh…

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There is also a crazy sub plot in the film where Jupiter tries to sell her eggs because she wants a $4000 telescope and her brother wants a big, flat screen TV. Jupiter also uses a sanitary pad to patch up Channing’s wounds and she hits on the dude shamelessly in an effort to extort some laughs from the audience but sadly it doesn’t work. Oh in case if you were wondering: Yes. Channing’s character does fall in love with her because…script. He has also never been in love before- *GASP! I didn’t see that coming. He also saves her every time she is danger (and she is in danger every time her “children” tries to kill her) and at point he even swoops in and catches her mid way while she was falling. Superman, much? Then there are the scenes with the Oedipal villains, the main one being Eddie Redmayne who for some reason talks with a throaty whisper throughout the movie and screams random sentences without warning. His character Balem Abrasax (*rolls eyes at the name) is not scary or villainous- he is whiny and irritating and the guy later falls to his death into a pit of fire because- “villain”. He had to die that way and more importantly, he HAD to die otherwise the audience wouldn’t have believed that he was the villain without that cliched scene present in the movie. Eddie Redmayne must have created a record of sorts by starring in two movies which were released the same year- in one he plays an enigmatic genius and gives a performance of a life time, a performance that is moving and heart breaking…so beautiful (The Theory of Everything). Even Hawking cried when he saw the movie- that’s how moving his performance was. And he as of right now is nominated for an Oscar for that role.

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In “Jupiter Ascending”, as Balem Abrasax (and i can’t even say this ridiculous line with a straight face)- he sucks.

The only good thing about “Jupiter Ascending” is that Sean Bean doesn’t die in this movie. And i don’t even know if one should consider it as a good thing because…we are so used to seeing him die in most of his movies. Maybe a behading of Sean Bean just like the one in Game of Thrones would have livened this movie up. Then again…maybe not- NOTHING can save this movie: there is no redemption.

Boring, ridiculous, cringe worthy,  Star Trek AND Star wars wannabe (Hey Wachowskis! Do you really want to know how to emulate Star wars? Learn from James Gunn)…

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…plain stupid and dumb, full of cliches, dumb lines, jargon and stupid made-up names, predictable, the opposite of fun, the spawn of the devil- you will be glad as hell and find God if you haven’t when the movie gets interrupted by the interval. There were moments when i wanted to leave the theater, there really were. The only reason i didn’t was because if i tried to leave, i would be an inconvenience to other movie patrons. But when Channing Tatum grew wings and began to fly towards the end i was like “F**k this shit”. Sadly i was not able to make my annoyance evident to all as the movie ended before i could run towards the exit. But nevertheless, run i did.

To the Wachowski’s, i propose to you an alternative ending that would not only save the movie but also makes it better by a million times-

“And then after Jupiter Jones and Caine Wise (*snigger) saved te universe and she became the Quenn of Earth……Jupiter woke up with a start with a toilet brush in her hand and her hair in the commode, dripping wet. It was all a dream. The End.”

(Jupiter Jones is a janitor who in the movie says “I hate my life” repeatedly- a feeling that the audience who were watching the movie could easily empathize with. )

DO NOT WATCH THIS MOVIE.
You have been warned.

As for me- I SURVIVED “Jupiter Ascending”. I made it! Whahoo!! (Now there’s an idea for a T-Shirt…)

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