Audiences worldwide will have two new movie choices. Actually, three but i don’t want to talk about the new “Sponge Bob movie: Sponge out of the water” now. Partly because i recently played “Spongebob Slendy-pants” recently for unknown reasons and i’m still a tad bit scared but partly also because i want to focus on just these two movies: The Fifty Shades of Grey adaptation and Kingsman: The Secret Service. So let’s talk about Fifty Shades of Grey first.
Fifty Shades of Grey:
(Synopsis: Should we even care? We know the damn story anyway…why bother?)
No thank you! Can i please see someone else?
This really is a good time to be single- I pity the fools who are forced to watch this movie with their girlfriends and are dragged to the theater against their will.
The movie is gonna be coming in first this week, the film adaptation of the best-selling “mummy porn” book by the author E.L. James. I think it’s quite safe to say that the most hyped movie of the year is not going to be a critical darling (i wonder why…it’s beyond me, really…) but since the source material was a worldwide phenomenon just a few years ago, it’s very likely that the film is gonna be a considerable financial success. The fans of the novel have been clamoring for the movie adaptation for quite some time now and now that the release is just a few days away- advanced ticket sales are some of the highest in history – all of which are positive developments for its chances. Because of all the mass hype, Fifty Shades of Grey is currently projected to gross $89 million in its first three days which would rival the unexpected, record breaking debut that American Sniper had last month. With couples (and i mean: girls) looking for a steamy option on Valentine’s Day, this film should have a clear pathway to the top spot – especially with Focus Features threatening to release its sequels which are already on the way.
I can’t speak for other single guys but i am definitely not watching this movie no matter what. If i was involved in a sick, twisted, trippy situation where the fate of the world is in my hands and the only way i can save it is by watching 50 Shades…well, it was nice knowing you guys. No way am i going to spend the worst holiday on the planet (regardless of whether you are in a committed relationship or not) watching a movie that stars Dakota Johnson as “The Virgin” (yeah, right..) and Jamie Dornan as ” the epitome of male beauty” (YEAH, RIGHT…) and the two engaging in a sadomasochistic relationship. Honestly women- a sincere, GENUINE question to all of you: What DO you see in the movie and book?
The only trailer which is better than the original Fifty Shades of Grey trailer is the Fifty Shades of Buscemi:
Now THIS we would see…
The only guys who i pity more than the ones in a committed relationship with a woman who wants to watch 50 Shades… are the ones who are trying to escape the friend zone.
I salute you, my brave comrades. I admire your grit, bravery and sheer tenacity.
Kingsman: The Secret Service
First- watch this trailer and then, read on. You will not regret it 😉
(Synopsis: Gary “Eggsy” Unwin (Taron Egerton), whose late father secretly worked for a spy organization, lives in a South London housing estate and seems headed for a life behind bars. However, dapper agent Harry Hart (Colin Firth) recognizes potential in the youth and recruits him to be a trainee in the secret service. Meanwhile, villainous Richmond Valentine (Samuel L. Jackson) launches a diabolical plan to solve the problem of climate change via a worldwide killing spree.)
This movie releases on the same day as Fifty Shades of Grey. On top of my head, in no order, let me give you a few reasons as to why you should watch this movie instead.
– It is directed by Matthew Vaughn, the same guy who gave you X-men First class.
– It is based on an amazing comic book “The Secret Service” created by Dave Gibbons and Mark Millar (Honest to god, read it- it’s simply spectacular!)
– It stars Colin Firth (Shouldn’t he alone be an excuse for the ladies to watch the movie? Mr Darcy is back and he kicks ass this time) as a spy who says this awesome line:
– Colin has this stun umbrella which acts as a one side mirror and has a computer built in it:
– It shows this awesome wardrobe which any sane guy would love to own:
– It actually made me like an Izzy Azalea song.
– It has Sofia Boutella as an assassin with blades for feet!:
– The movie has four poorly photoshopped and unnecessarily sexual promo posters….
…which is a cool little throwback to the iconic poster for iconic Bond flick, For Your Eyes Only-
….but so far critics aren’t saying that’s a deal breaker.
– It has SAMUEL MOTHER F***ING JACKSON as the villain (aptly named ‘Valentine” who has a lisp! A LISP! 😀 :
I think this is the only reason needed to go watch this movie. Nick Fury with a lisp.
(Is he playing Russell Simmons. Think about it – black bald man with a lisp, media mogul, speech impediment, preppy clothes?)
He has a plan to kill millions…..he doesn’t “give a f**k” AND…”he can’t stand the sight of blood…”
And this is just one single trailer alone: Earlier reviews of this movie called it a “funnier, naughtier James Bond”. Here’s some early (spoiler free) reviews-
“For those who think James Bond has gotten a little too serious in his old age, “Kingsman: The Secret Service” brings the irreverence back to the British spy genre, offering a younger, streetwise variation on the 007 formula while gleefully pushing audiences’ favorite elements — sartorial taste, killer toys and cracked-out supervillains — to hyperbolic extremes.”
“The fifth and, yes, best film from [director Matthew Vaughn], “Kingsman: The Secret Service” is a startlingly enjoyable and well-made action film leavened by humor and slicked along by style, made by, for, and about people who’ve seen far too many Bond films… Credit for that goes to Vaughn’s adaptation of the script alongside producer Jane Goldman, which finds cheer and cleverness in Millar’s mixture of retro-style spy action with a snobs-versus-slobs twist.”
– The Wrap
“The spirit of 007 is all over this movie, but Vaughn’s script (written with frequent collaborator Jane Goldman) has a licence to poke fun. [The] overall vibe is sheer glee, as if no one involved in the production can believe they’re getting away with making such a bats**t Bond… Millar’s voice seems to be egging on Vaughn, whose last film, X-Men: First Class, was quite enjoyable but not nearly hardcore enough for denizens of the darker comic-book playgrounds [unlike ‘Kingsman’].”
– The Guardian
“It’s hard to argue with a billion bucks at the box office, of course, but at the same time it’s hard not to feel that the Bournification of the James Bond franchise may have robbed 007 of his sense of fun… Which is where Matthew Vaughn’s Kingsman: The Secret Service comes in. It’s got ingenious gadgets, suave heroes with the ability to identify a rare brand of Scotch from smell alone, megalomaniacal villains and deadly henchwomen with blades where their legs used to be. It’s filthy, funny and very violent – and frankly it’s the most fun 007 has been in years.”
In short? Pure fun and entertainment. An irreverent entry into the spy genre.
Sadly, Kingsman may not prove to be popular enough to hang with Fifty Shades: however it should do fine on its own merits and become a solid February hit. In a perfect world, this movie would beat Fifty Shades in the box office.
Ladies, if you want your guy to be happy this Valentine’s day: watch this movie with him instead. You both will have a good time. It’s assured- this is a movie which both the sexes can enjoy unlike Fifty Shades which either only the female side will (and i don’t think even they will as well…doesn’t the book along with casually associating hot sex with violence also glorifies rape? Christian rapes Anastasia Steele- does the movie show this?) Your guy will be incredibly grateful for you for not making him watch Fifty Shades of Grey…